Phyllis The Nut Lady

Sometimes at work, when I clean the rooms, I let my mind wander. Well, most of the time, but I think of the people who are staying there, who they are, what their story is, what they are feeling...
I saw this odd hat.
I really don't know who would wear that, does she sell nuts?
Is it a joke?
Is it from work?
Does she have good memories hanging onto that hat?
Is she a drab older lady who never had a family?
Maybe she has a man but he's married?
Maybe she lives her whole life for these stolen weekends with him in hotel rooms and they are all she gets, the only moments in her life she feels love and it's only love on her side. And all she gets is 4 weekends a year but she waits for them.
Or maybe he does love her, maybe he bought her the hat because she's goofy. Maybe she makes him smile before he goes home to his stressful home life. Maybe its his only shining moments at heart.
Maybe his wife is too uptight but she never meant to grow up that way to turn into that, she saw her mother do it to her father and drive him off and here she was doing it to her husband. She didn't mean to, he was the one always remote, distant, as if thinking of a lost love, she only tries to reach him but the further she digs the farther he floats away. It wasn't supposed to be this way, she wasn't supposed to turn into this, somewhere deep inside she knew her soul was still beautiful.

Or maybe, just maybe that Phyllis-she's just a nut salesperson.

And I'm nuts.

I ain't got no crystal ball

Well, just discovered that every video with Sublime's Santeria is censored from youtube.com WTF!
Anyway, my job is so routine that I make shit up while there.
Here's one thing I do.
I have the length of the song Santeria to make a bed.
When I was 18, I used to be able to make a bed in less than 4 minutes, Santeria is 3 minutes and 3 seconds.
I had to make like 18 beds yesterday.
I couldn't do it, by the time the song ended I would have 2 pillows to case and place yet. I kept thinking, stupid 4 pillows on each bed, who does that in a hotel???
Finally on my last bed, at the end of the day, by the time he sang the word "wait" at the very end of the song, I placed the last pillow.
Stupid, I know. But hey, I can make a bed in 3 minutes and 3 seconds. A bed with four pillows.
Wicked!

Santeria

Composing

I don't have work today, so I will talk about work for a minute. I think I need to find a new job, we all got the 4th off because "it's a holiday?" No because they didn't want to pay us time and a half!
Anyways, while I work, one thing I do and feel so guilty for, is I compose.
sometimes, I compose poetry, sometimes short stories, or blogs.
But those don't make me feel guilty.
I compose letters to people in prison.
I know I have no reason to feel guilty, it's just so hard to get any writing done to them. there is so much to do out here, so many responsibilities.
That's no excuse.
I'm gonna write at least one letter today.
Because nothing makes you feel as happy as when you get a letter from the outside.
Here's a bad ass song

Learning to Fly, but I ain't got wings.

I love so many of Tom Petty's songs, so many of them hit home, so you know he has heart.
Yesterday when I was cleaning, I heard Learning To Fly so I will post it at the end here.
That's where I think I am, I think.
I'm learning to fly without wings. I'm learning to be happy and control my emotions by my happiness,...without the aid of alcohol.
I had to open up my heart in MRT class last week and give my testimony. God it was so hard to tell them why I was committed to change. It's not like you can say, "Just cuz." I was able to do it with a shaky voice and ready to cry at times but I did it. I told everything I have ever done bad, well almost but my progression into alcoholism and how easy it was when I moved back to the reservation. I told how it made me forget any bad things I knew I had done, and how easy it was to drown.
And I was drowning that whole time.
I was looking for a life preserver and thought the FBI threw me one. Tell us, they said, everyone will go down.
I did.
And I went down.
That was my first lesson in this government don't give a fuck, this government will lie to you. And they can.
SO that's when I knew.
It was time.
To take care of myself.
The right way.
To stand back up and keep my head up.
I came from my grandmas, and I will not go down like that. I will not be "that one that got locked up." I am still me and I will let everyone know who that is.
I am that one. That one that is a mother to four beautiful children, that one who writes with all her heart, hopefully like Tom Petty sings. That one who loves the Yankees and collects rocks as memories.
And that one,
that is currently learning to fly.